Sunday Telegraph, July 19, 1992,by Christopher Tookey
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Writer-director Nick Ward is to be congratulated for having 
discovered at his first attempt what it takes to get a film 
made in Britain today. "Dakota Road" (15) is obligatory 
viewing for any young Brit out of film school. Since it has 
been unable to find a general release and few will wish to 
undergo the ordeal of actually seeing it, I shall merely 
elucidate from this cavalcade of cliches the Ten 
Commandments of British Cinema: 

1. Set your film in a bleak, inhospitable rural community. 
In "Dakota Road" and "The Bridge," it's East Anglia. Other 
safe choices are Ireland ("December Bride," "The Field," 
"Fools of Fortune"), Wales ("One Full Moon," "Rebecca's 
Daughters"), Yorkshire ("Ladder of Swords"), the Orkneys 
("Venus Peter"), or cheerless areas of America ("Scorchers," 
"The Reflecting Skin," "Liebestraum"). The important thing 
to remember is that life in such places is depressing, and 
no one ever leaves. Of course people do in real life, but 
this is a British movie. 

2. The gulf between bosses and workers must be absolute, 
unbridgeable and sadistic. Actors playing bosses should 
speak as though in a rep production of Noel Coward and 
behave as though suffering from lifelong constipation. In 
"Dakota Road," it's Alan Howard who has the chance to give 
the most risible performance of his career. 

3. Members of the English boss class are either sexually 
depraved or sexually deprived. Alan Howard amuses himself by 
spying through a telescope at under-age copulation and 
lusting after the rump of his cleaning lady. 

4. Normal, intra-marital sex is to be avoided, except when 
it traumatises the children. The function of a child in a 
British film is to watch older people having extra-marital 
sex ("The Reflecting Skin," "The Bridge," "Afraid of the 
Dark," the works of Dennis Potter passim). Incest is okay 
between a goodlooking brother and sister ("Close My Eyes"), 
less acceptable between father and daughter ("Dakota Road"). 

5. However able-bodied the hero or heroine, they will never 
better themselves except through crime ("The Fool," "The 
Krays," "London Kills Me," "Chicago Joe and The Showgirl"). 
In a British movie, working-class characters can't even 
afford a colour TV. Class mobility is just a pernicious 
rumour. 

6. All priests are subservient to the boss class. They're 
also bigoted hypocrites and harbour lustful thoughts 
("December Bride," "Scorchers"). The hero should make an 
inarticulate stand against religious fanaticism ("December 
Bride," "ne Full Moon") but be powerless to change things 
for the better. As we all know, the United Kingdom is 
cruelly oppressed by Organised Religion. Why else put up 
with Thought for the Day on Radio 4? 

7. Working-class women would be better off dead. Older ones 
are secular saints beaten up by their husbands, and spend 
their lives literally on their knees, scrubbing (even when, 
as in "Dakota Road," they have the cleaning equipment to do 
the job standing up). Younger ones are abused by their 
fathers and rebel by having underage sex, often with the 
village idiot. Sexual intercourse is followed immediately by 
an illegitimate baby, since no one in a British film has 
heard of birth control. 

8. Older working men exist to be thrown out of work as 
callously as possible. They invariably respond by becoming 
catatonically depressed, beating up their wives, abusing 
their children or committing suicide. In "Dakota Road," 
Matthew Scurfield manages all four. 

9. It's a good idea to make at least one character die of 
natural causes, so that everyone can become even more 
gloomy. The best idea is to cull the oldest character 
(played by Liz Smith in "Dakota Road") and precede this with 
some none too subtle hint of a fatal illness. Here, Liz 
appears hale and hearty, but no sooner has the vicar mused 
"She's not well" than she's up to her bloomers in floral 
tributes. 

10. American culture exists to be admired for its 
classlessness but sneered at for its lack of realism and 
get-rich-quick mentality ("Chicago Joe and "The Showgirl," 
"The Reflecting Skin"). British culture is far superior, 
which is why we turn out such films as "Dakota Road." It's 
just a pity that audiences don't appreciate them - indeed, 
for some reason members of our oppressed working class fail 
to recognise themselves - but then life in Britain is 
unremittingly depressing. Especially for film-lovers. 

If you're a British director and you want to get an 
enjoyable movie off the ground, you're best advised to leave 
the country. One of our more established refugees in 
Hollywood, Jonathan Lynn, has directed the biggest hit 
comedy of the year in "My Cousin Vinny" (15). 

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